Essay #20

SECOND DRAFT FOR GRADING

Austin
English 8
Mr. Salsich
4/20/10

Family;
An Essay on my Family and Its Relations to Romeo and Juliet

(TS) Have you ever imagined what life would be like without families? (CM) Families take care of you, families provide for you, families guide you, and families are a necessity. (CM) No one can survive without a family who treats them as an important individual, so the least people can do is appreciate them in return. (CS) I love each member of my family and have taken the time to learn all there is to know about them, and I have even discovered that one of my siblings relates to Romeo.

(TS) My mother, my father, and my siblings all have traits that I admire, and because I spend so much time with them, their good qualities rub off on me, making me a better person. (SD) My mother is always able to identify when I am depressed before I can even speak, causing her to soothe my troubled mind. (CM) As a teenager, I normally want to be left alone, but my mom insists on knowing why I feel solitary and dejected. (CM) However, later I appreciate her sympathy because her bright, sunshiny attitude brings me out of my dark emotional abyss. (SD) My dad has an unpredictable, unusual, and unorthodox (thesaurus word) motivation technique (alliteration and parallelism), but nonetheless, I praise his methods because they work. (CM) It may be inappropriate to scream obscenities at me during sports events, but oddly enough it gets my blood pumping, my adrenaline rushing, and my legs running. (CM) Of course, he doesn’t mean what he yells because as soon as the game is over, win or lose my dad congratulates me, and I cherish his commendations. (SD) Also, I have always had an admiration for the young adults in my family; they work so hard and strive for their goals, setting themselves as good role models, so when my older siblings spend time with me, I become excited. (CM) They are funny, provide enjoyable company, and help me when I struggle, since they are some of the best people I know. (CM) I especially relish the time we spend together because their personalities begin to rub off on me, so I can become the next generation’s role model. (CS) Being part of my family is wonderful because they provide me with so many lessons and prepare me for future challenges that I can’t help but adore all of them.

(TS) After college, Justin, my older brother, started to enjoy spending time alone, which is similar to Romeo who also spent hours of time by himself in the beginning of Romeo and Juliet. (SD) Justin has never been very social, only hanging out with a select group of people, usually remaining calm and collective, and speaking only when he has a point to make (loose-sentence). (CM) When he isolates (thesaurus) himself, he often becomes an amazing artist, drawing with such detail I usually only see on a professional level. (CM) I don’t know why he is reluctant to share his masterpieces, but I respect his decision because he isn’t sad, isn’t angry, isn’t frustrated; he is just perfectly happy being alone. (SD) There are similarities between Justin and Romeo, but when Romeo wants to be left in solitude, he does so because of emotional distress. (CM) Before he met Juliet, Romeo loved another girl so deeply that when he found out she had sworn to chastity, his heart shutdown. (CM) His mind was in complete turmoil, so to try to bring himself out of his emotional mess, he confined himself in his room to ponder over his feelings. (CS) Because Justin draws, sculpts, and paints when he is reclusive, his alone time is healthy for him, but Romeo’s quarantine only drags him into a deeper, darker pit, worsening his anguish.

(TS) Belonging to a loving, caring, and nurturing family is essential for a young mind to prosper into a mature, wise adult. (CM) A family’s love can encourage people to take on tasks they once thought impossible, or it can comfort a depressed child like Romeo. (CM) The wisdom from a family’s elders can provide kids with the knowledge to make the right decisions, leading to the best future. (CS) Because of all the love and wisdom I obtain from my family, I couldn’t appreciate them more, and I wouldn’t be the person I am today if their individual personalities hadn’t become part of mine.

Self Assessment
One issue I am continuing to work on in my writing is the clarity of my sentences. While I proofread my essays for the grading draft, I sometimes stumble over the point I am trying to make in a sentence, and I wouldn’t want the reader to become confused because I wasn’t being clear in my essay. The strong point I see in this particular essay is my widespread vocabulary. I tried to use as many synonyms for the bell word as possible without making the vocabulary seem out of place, and I think I did fairly well with that. I think a possible weak point in my writing is that I didn’t use a lot of transitions at the beginning of my sentences, which maybe made some parts of the essay flow more smoothly than others. I would give myself a B on this essay.